Putting Into Practice #2- The Perceptual Process

My wife and I made it a goal this summer to go and do something fun every weekend.  Neither of us works or goes to school on Fridays so usually by the time Thursday evening rolls around we are out the door. This week we were headed to Logandale, Nevada to my parent’s house.  While we were getting on the freeway near the Bloomington Walmart in St. George I had a random thought to pull over and double check the car just to be sure.  When I pulled over I realized that a homeless man that was trying to hitch a ride thought that I was pulling over to pick him up.  As he approached the car I had already had preconceived ideas of who this man was.  Years of hearing stories about people getting hurt by picking up people on the side of the road poured through my mind.  Yet at this point I didn’t have the heart to tell him no.  Reluctant I cleared out a spot for him in the back seat and helped him load his bags in the trunk.  As we drove away I continued to form an idea of who he was in my head.  He smelled awful and had really long hair.   My mind was racing with thoughts like: I wonder if he has a gun or a knife, what mistake did he commit in his life to land him on the streets, and is he on drugs?   As we drove down the road we asked a few of the basic questions, “Where are you from? , Where are you going?”, and a few other questions. I was completely wrong about who this man was.  His name is Tim.  He is from riverside California and has a mental illness.   When asking about his family he told us they wont talk to him and havn’t spoke to him in years.  He is going to Pheniox Arizona to hopefully reconnect with some of his family.  Thoughts like this started to enter my mind; should I take him home and let him shower?  Should we give him some money or possibly even let him stay a night or two just to enjoy a good nights rest for once.  It was amazing how much my opinion changed just by asking a few simple questions.  Just by getting to know somebody.  Tim was an awesome man and with some love and support could be an awesome contributor to society.  It is amazing to me how we can judge someone based on opinions we form in our own head and how dramatically different that opinion becomes once we actually get to know someone.     

Putting Into Practice- The Authentic Self

Growing up in the millennial generation comes with great opportunities.  With technology at an all-time high, it has become easier to avoid communicating face to face.  We have smart phones, and computers which contain every kind of social media out there.  With Twitter, Instagram and Facebook, we can hide behind a fake image of how we want the world to view us.  On the other hand, you will always have the person that is their complete self all the time.  Do our posts and tweets really reflect our true self?  In a recent conversation I had with a good friend and his wife they were giving me some marriage advice, as I was about to get married myself.  Halie (my friend’s wife) stated that she hated getting on Facebook because all she seemed to read was “being married is awesome”,  “I love being married” when in reality marriage was really hard for the two of them. For the first twenty years of their life they lived for themselves, now living under one roof trying to coexist, were they right?  Is being married all it’s cracked up to be?  Do people glamorize their life on social media when in reality they are going through the same struggles as my friends were?   In her recent Ted Video, Brene Brown states that when we numb negative things such as shame and guilt and I would include anger we also numb positive things such as happiness, Joy, forgiveness and gratitude.  That Vulnerability is key to being able to see life through others eyes as well as find out who our authentic self is.  As I have gone through my marriage I have come to notice that if my wife takes a risk and decides to be vulnerable and I “numbed Vulnerability” as Brene Brown puts it. As a result, it is very difficult for me to understand where she is coming from.  My inner thoughts lead me to blame her for being emotional which leads to an argument. Yet as we have disagreements and both decide to be vulnerable more often than not a solution to the problem is easily come to and everything works out   Being vulnerable doesn’t make me any less of a man, however it has enhanced my ability to understand those around me. In the short few weeks of taking this class I have been able to come to greater understanding of who I am, and what my real weaknesses are.   

As we are honest with ourselves and allow for full self-disclosure, we can recognize imperfections we need to fix, weather that be in our self, or in a marriage with our spouse in my case.  Being vulnerable to our spouse can allow for the ability to fully trust one another.  It has strengthened our marriage.  I believe being Vulnerable has a direct link to being able to fully self-disclose yourself.  My communications teacher Erick Young wrote about a study he use to do in class. The article is called Disclosures. By passing out index cards to his class and asking them to write down something they had never told anyone before.  As he did this over a period of time he found that out of 1500 cards, only 1 had a positive response.  The rest were negative.  Things people would never want anyone to find out.  If we can somehow find a way to take that risk, and let others see our struggles, or whatever it is we are keeping inside of us, we can find help.  More often than not we can realize those around us are going through struggles as much as we are.  As a result, we can help each other.

I love being married.  I love my wife.  My hope for talking about some of the negative things about marriage is not to discourage anyone from wanting to be married but rather to help enhance our relationships with each other.  If we are married or not, as we are honest with ourselves and with others, we can see the world through the eyes of those around us just a little bit better.